So embarassing to admit that I not only watch ‘The Real Housewives of Atlanta’ but I’m ADDICTED to it.  Of course, I divulged to my buddy Amara yesterday that network television would never follow ordinary black folks or normal people in general, but good television is rather made from those that are out of touch with reality or in this case black women that are ‘all up in themselves’ and completely loony.  BUT this show has an added twist: a white woman named Kim who is crazier than all the rest!  Peep this youtube video and then tell yourself that you are not crazy…that IS the hardest you have ever laughed out loud.  hahhaa she actually believes she’s 29…omg hysterical!

For the record, this is exactly why I don’t work in the financial industry: http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/B/BANK_THREATS_FBI?SITE=MAFIT&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

Yesterday, I actually thought about calling the PR firm in Burlington that extended an offer of employment to me almost two months ago, but then I figured that this action would be fruitless.  Looking at some statistics, now is not the time to join the marketing industry (other than knowing I don’t want anything to do with marketing as a long term career).  Of course, all industries are feeling the blows of the fallout, but according to this little graph here I have reason to leave the phone on the receiver: http://markets.on.nytimes.com/research/markets/usmarkets/industry.asp?industry=53321&scp=3&sq=marketing%20industry&st=cse.

Look what my friend Gabi got me hooked on… (no, not crack) its polyvore.com.  You make ‘sets’ or ‘fashion spreads’ etc.  I don’t know about these things, I’m more of a book girl but gosh darn it, this is sort of fun!!

It’s called Mariah Carey syndrome.  MCS is a mental disorder that affects talented and intelligent singers.  The disorder sets in after a singer has been signed to a reputable and powerful label as a decent vocalist, spending millions of dollars on promotions, marketing, events, and concerts.  Then it strikes! MCS grabs hold of the part of the brain that controls intelligence and CONVINCES a young songstress that they need to reveal themselves as sex icons and provacteurs.  They rebel against the perfectly normal image that was beset upon them, or in some cases that they came to the party with, and begin on a path of wild publicity stunts.  These publicity stunts usually end (or catalyze) based on media outlets calling the singer all types of dirty and sexist slurs and labeling them as ‘whores’, because (this is shocking) THEY CHOOSE TO DRESS LIKE WHORES.

*Note: MCS also causes backlashes in musical undercurrents that sometimes grow into  the mainstream, such as the ‘promise ring’ phenomenon of the early 21st century that we are coping with now i.e. The Jonas Brothers, Taylor Swift, Jordin Sparks, and the early Jessica Simpson.

CASE IN POINT: AUBREY O’DAY

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Don’t get me wrong.  I fully support and am fully aware of the transitional stage most women go through where they explore and acknowlege the beauty of their own body.  Being a sex symbol is a powerful thing, and speaks to the generations of women trapped in an image and mold from which they could not escape.  Like Hillary said, ‘my mother grew up without the vote, and now she may be able to vote for her daughter as president’.  That’s big business.  Represent and show some titty for your great grandma!!

However, c’mon lets get real.  Let’s have some sense.  Christina Aguerilla I’m talking to you too now.  No one deserves to be called a whore (except you Karrine Stephens), but you are in control of your own image.  You are a role model and you are a powerful person.  Show some fucking class.  Mariah, as the innovator of MCS, is a lost cause.  She really believes she’s 17.  Christina has a baby now, and I don’t fuck with name-calling on people’s mommies.  But, Aubrey…as a member of a group, you should have showed a little bit more restraint and class these past few years.  I think she spoke her mind, but she has a lot of growing up to do.  We all do things we don’t like.  We all rebel, we all are working hard out here doing our day-by-day and enjoying life to the fullest.  But you still have to realize where the line is.  When you OWN a business (for the record I actually despise P.Diddy for the simple fact that he makes people call him P.Diddy and the fact that he does nothing to promote the Christopher Wallace foundation but has 4 shows on MTV/VH1) you can choose to do business your way.

Have you ever been part of a group discussion and people wait their turn, speak, and listen to others and then you get to a hot button topic and there’s one bitch in the circle that’s just disobeying all the fucking rules of the circle?  Yelling and cutting people off and shit, not even making sense?  Maybe that person is a girl with a corset on in 50˚ weather.Thats what Aubrey is on.  Speaking her mind, yes, that fabulous..but just out of line.  It’s not what you said boo, its the way you said it.  Bottom line to Aubrey O’Day: Homie, act your age and know your role.  Literally.

Yes, I have finally finished “Waking Giant”.  I had a teacher way back when that told me never to start sentences with the negative or affirmative, and her fingers probably just tingled with my line-opening objection.  Sorry Mrs. Notaro!  “Waking Giant” deserved the rebellion because it was not only a long road to the end, but honestly one of the best books I have ever read.  It should be in any history student’s top 3, and in fact if I ever have a classroom of my own it will be required reading.  The story actually reads like a mystery novel and informs like The Economist. David S. Reynolds, the author, is a professor at the same CUNY which offers a social history internship that I am applying to, and I have already been practicing my ‘you’re a genius!’ shout in the mirror.  “Waking Giant” is, as explained in an earlier post, a sort of chronological social history of America in the Jacksonian era exploring everything from abolitionism, suffrage, economic theory, land population, immigration, and the beginning of popular culture.  Absolutely amazing!  I only wish that my EVENTUAL dissertation on indigenous cultures in populist America will be as spectacular!

In other news, I had to cancel my netflix subscription because we are in a recession.  Also, no word from Brandeis yet.  I will keep you updated on any happenings with that, but I have to be optimistic and remember my future is my own.  Even negative news should not deter my dreams of a PhD and although it would be a significant bump in the road, I would have to continue onwards (planning the demise of Brandeis U. along the way).  *Fingers crossed and praying to the almight Sweet Minty Jesus*  In the ‘secret desires’ category, I wish my old haircut looked anything like this.  Michelle will always have my support.  I just won’t be buying her album, didnt I just say we’re in a recession!!

This past weekend I took a trip to Baltimore to visit Bunny and meet his parents (woooh, big step)!  I hate to say that because its a predominately Black city that its ghetto, but damnit they don’t give me much of an option.  At the airport, I found a wallet in the women’s stall and without looking in it (like a thief) I brought it out to a TSA agent who responded, “and what am I supposed to do with it?”  C’mon N*$$a, I don’t have time for this.  I have to be go and be treated rudely by underpaid airTran employees at the desk.  I actually was bumped out of the way at the airTran desk in Baltimore by a racially ambiguous man trying to fill out a complaint card.  He alleged water was dripping on him throughout his flight and when Keisha couldn’t find a complaint card, he calmly asked that when she did get around to it, that she provide two.  One for the condensation and the other for her ass.

Other than that the weekend was great.  I slept with my mouth open on the plane, met a bunch of Bunny’s friends and family and had great food.  I made some segway in my book ‘Waking Giant’ and took it upon myself to buy ‘The Iliad’ which I never read.  I loved ‘The Odyssey’, so we’ll see where this adventure takes me.  Still no word from Brandeis, so I have decided that if I don’t hear anything by Friday I will register for the GREs and hope for the best in applying for PhD programs immediately.  In the meantime, I’ll try to convince my father to let me buy a piano.  More people are giving them away for free on craigslist and it really seems like a good idea.  Yeah!

I can’t believe it’s already been a week since last posting, times flies.  That’s seven whole days of ‘ybf-ing’ and ‘working’.  Quick life updates:

1) I am praying for my friend Janique’s mother, Stephanie Parrott, to pull through.  She has breast cancer and has been in the hospital since July.  XOXO

2) The ‘fray feeling’ as I’ve coined it (take THAT Daniel Webster) is started to come over me again.  Abi is now in China and another college friend, Giselle, left for the Peace Corps in Paraguay a few weeks ago.  The FF is more or less the feeling that everyone is leaving and growing apart.  I’ll get it over.  Zoloft, anyone?

3) I’ve discovered just how FIIIIIINE Anderson Cooper is.  Thank you presidential debates.  And thank YOU CNN.

I’m preparing for my first trip to Baltimore, MD to see ‘Bunny’.  I’m extremely excited but, of course, with any trip flipping out over what to bring, what to wear, etc.  I’ve also ditched ‘Edgar Sawtelle’, the book was just wayyyy too boring.

I’ve begun reading ‘Waking Giant’.  I picked this book based off of a review in the Sunday paper which coincidentally I can’t even find off of Boston.com right now.  It’s more a less the story of what America looked like during the Jackson era.  I was thinking it would actually only cover his 8 years as the Trail of Tears pusher, but instead reaches a bit before and a bit after on either end to paint a clear picture of the cultural, social, and economic scene for every group in America at the time.  It flows very cohesively between race, class, politician biographies, and historical definitions (some of us forgot how the Monroe Doctrine came about, ok?!?!) very very well.  Written by David Reynolds, a professor at a CUNY (sorry, can’t remember which one) the tales come off surprisingly readable.  He seems like a really down-to-earth guy judging solely from his writing.  That’s right, I don’t just a book by its cover.  I judge the author by the words inside and their funny profile head shot in the back.

Of course, I think this is really interesting, mainly because A) I heart history and 2) If Brandeis got their shit together I would be on my way to studying Indigenous culture in the Populist years, which this book provides an insightful precursor to.  More on ‘The Darjeeling Limitied’, the Indie starring Owen Wilson in a post to come.  Toodles!!

Before getting right into whats up next, I need to get to some updates.  So, first:

1) After talking to the Director of the program at Brandeis, he did inform me that having at least one recommendation would fare well in another review of my application.  I, of course, reached out to my main bitch at MHC, a professor named Jane.  I have always come dangerously close to actually building a shrine made of scrap metal, wood, and bamboo earrings and mailing it to her, but always conclude that might scare her.  I digress.  Jane has done AMAZING things for me over the years, including stepping into the role of teacher, mentor, parent, and friend.  In one email, she had a letter of recc on my behalf in the mail within 10 minutes.  *Round of applause*

2) I reached out to another professor in the History Dept at MHC, whom I took a brutally difficult class with and fared well for a recommendation.  Unbelievably, she replied that she couldn’t because I had not taken more than one class with her.  This is EXACTLY why I don’t give back to MHC.  Not that the $5 I could afford right now would not do anything besides cover the postage for 8 junk mail letters my alma mater sends out, but its the principle I’m talking about here.

3) When I become a professor, I am going to outline recommendation rules in my syllabus.  This will come right after the ‘getting the DVD collector set of ‘Friends’ is mandatory’ statement.  Get with it or get lost!

4) Things with Skun bunny are going very well.  Skun bunny, if you recall is the Black man I met at my former job at the Justice Dept who moved to MD.  I actually informed him I would try to publish a small anthology of poetry and short stories before I turned 25. Living off of the $14/year revenues I’m sure the book would generate will get me through buying wax to shape my own eyebrows.

Now to what’s on deck:

I’ve watched “Autumn Hearts”, an independent film with Susan Sarandon last week, but it was nothing to blog about.  If you’re interested, its about Sarandon’s character being reunited with a childhood friend and her “lost” love for him.  How did she meet this fellow?  They were in an internment camp together in France during the Holocaust.  Now in their late 50s, they are joined by their fellow ex-mate, a teacher now in his 80s, and Sarandon’s husband and adult son.  It makes for an awkward cast and the imbalance of gender throughout the film is only offset by the lack of history and weird ‘flashbacks’ to the camp.  The film seemed interrupted by intense scenes of the former teacher’s impending death, the husband’s awareness of his wife’s infidelity, and a guy (and son) who don’t quite fit into the film too well.  Note the film was originally titled “Emotional Arithmetic”, maybe that should have been a hint as to its overall confusion.  Even the first title didn’t make any damn sense.  Highlights include some good cinematography and sentimental dialogue, but other than that I would not highly recommend it.

I’ve also been reading “The Story of Edgar Sawtelle” a book almost as publicized as that damn ‘Eat. Pray.Love.”.  Unfortunately, I’m starting to think this book is being marketed by the same brilliant publicist that got “Eat Pray Love” flying off bookstore shelves, because this read is heavy and so far (130 pages into it) not well written.  It has a familiar “East of Eden” flavor to its initial set-up i.e. describe a family’s chemistry before children come into the picture, but lacks a luster of ambition for any of the characters and therefore the story seems aimless.  I’ll continue and let you know if I quit it altogether.  I’ll stay positive!!

I try to live by this very motto “Forget the Regrets” at all times.  I am not a high strung person, but I stress out about my life a lot.  This leads to my indecisive personality and even contributes to my ‘flakiness’.  Therefore, living by this motto and the idea that I have my health, my happiness, and my family really calms me down.  These phrases are the metaphorical brown paper bag for my anxiety attack.  I told my friend Danielle last night in fact that another ‘attack’ was coming on and tried to explain the triggers to her, but came up a little short.  I have finally figured out what has been keeping me stressed as of late, and come to find out I wasn’t having an anxiety attack, I was predicting the future.

Today, at my job as a consultant, the project I was working on was cancelled.  This invariably means no project=no work=no pay.  So they allowed me to go home early for the day (which was a good thing because my mom took the day off and I wanted to spend some QT with her), but also not the best situation for my wallet.  This is the second time I’ve worked on a team where the project has been postponed or cancelled.  My bank account is starting to suffer here people!  I also work a part time job and although that position is more fulfilling (I curate information on a social community website) it pays considerably less.  After I got home I pushed out a few emails regarding the graduate program I am applying to, and realized the admissions committee is stuck on my application and from the sounds of things is/was in the works for rejecting me altogether.  Here is an excerpt from the director:

“The committee is concerned that there are no letters of reference from faculty members who are familiar with your work. Without such letters we can’t really consider the application; the committee is concerned about  the nature of your undergraduate transcript”…”Anything that a faculty letter or letters can do to explain the transcript will be very useful, since the committee of course wants, above all, to know if the applicant will be able to undertake academic work at the graduate level.”

EGADS!! Admittedly, I wasn’t a superb student in college.  I did well, but not exceptionally well.  I really didnt know what college was all about, and didnt have any relatives or family members to clue me in on what would be expected of me.  I found I had to learn a lot about myself, and MHC gave me the great opportunity to do so, but my academics certainly weren’t first on my list of priorities.  By the time they were, I was in the midst of attempting to graduate early.  When I really wanted to focus on building my academic career around the study of social history, it was literally just.too.late.  I now regret that wholeheartedly and this graduate program, I feel, may be my only saving grace.  I really want to be a professor (after working for a few years to get some cash flow occurring since my firm is playing games).  Needless to say, all of my feelings can be summed up in one word…FUCK!

Life is hard

Poet W.H. Auden wrote in the essay The Dyer’s Hand (1962) of the “daydream College for Bards”.  His ideas for a utopian institute of writers and poets sounds, to me, like a college I would never be able to get in to.  Those enrolled would need to know at least one ancient and two modern languages.  Students would need to memorize thousands of poems and be able to recite them as well as write parodies without the use of secondary criticism or theory handy.  As explained by David Lehman in his forward to “The Best American Poetry 2008”, some of the other requirements in the daydream college would include mandatory courses in prosody, rhetoric, and comparative philology.  The electives as we would call them today would include archaeology, mythology, liturgics, and cooking.  I have to say, not only would I no chance of getting into this school, if I did, and affirmative action did its job and I was matriculated, I would drop dead in my library carrel.

I love being a woman

Auden has a point though, which is completely understandable today.  We are getting to be an awfully dumb breed (see my post on ‘Idiocracy’).  No one reads anymore and without quoting the ridiculous amount of statistics to prove so (the amount of household spending on books has declined, MCAT scores, etc) it is quite obvious that the daydream college should serve as the example for what ‘higher learning’ should be.  It SHOULD be this unbelievable appreciation for the written word.  But I guess that is what graduate school is reserved for.  Many students graduate college without so much as reading a book, but grad school is for the passionate and willing.  If I were to create my own college, I’m not sure what would be part of the curriculum but I do know poetry would be involved (and eonline.com would have to be every student’s homepage or said student would risk expulsion).  Below is a poem I’ve written and one of my favorite poems from the collection “Best American Poetry 2008” now in stores.  Enjoy!